Used to Love to Read

 I used to love to read. I would nestle myself into the corner of the couch and get lost in other worlds. My mind would meander into concepts and visualize possibilities. I found unusual vernacular making its way into my daily vocabulary. It made my mom laugh. It made my classmates give me the "you are such a nerd" stare. I didn't care. I was happy in my global library- the one living inside my brain. I had friends I could relate to and ideas to carry me forward. Even when the physical world felt lonely or harsh, there was a friend or two on my shelf. 

Take a look at me today. I work at some noble task every hour of the day. I need to feel productive. I cook. I sometimes clean. I rarely organize because, well.. my mind is too cluttered. I spend free time mindlessly scrolling through other people's photos and opinions and try to avoid FOMO by sharing selfies. I have been taken over by mommy-hood (not that it's a bad thing). I only mention it because I wonder- are these children to inherit my love of reading? I lost it long ago. Are they to value critical thinking, reasoning, exploring new places, new vocabulary? Or will they, like me, give in to the demands to feel busy, to keep up with trends, keep updating their digital devices and social media platforms? 

I want them to love to think, to not be too scared or too lazy to ponder. I want them to love the sun on their skin, the breeze in their hair. Ultimately, this is what homeschool is all about. We long to make space for freedom. This freedom isn't to be curtailed by grade-level standards or state regulations. This is a freedom to discover gifts and strengths. This is a chance to stick their toes in the mud and try to make a mess cooking with me. 

I am sad that we live in a place where we must prove that learning is happening by filling in bubbles on standardized tests. I am forlorn when I see that my children will remember me laboring at a computer so that bills can be paid. Yet, they may not have many memories of me reading to them. They may not even care to read themselves, or choose a story or a poem or finger-painting over a screen and all its offerings. They may not even choose to read to THEIR children. There's just no time. 

What can we do? I haven't even had time to read the Simplicity Parenting book my mom gifted me years ago. I really want to. It seems that life sucked the reader right out of me. 

There's the baby now.. waking from nap. I am going to pick out a story for him. Then I am going to take him outside to run. Let's try. Will you try, with me? Let's go back. In order to go forward. 

Just imagine what we could do....

A favorite destination in my bucket list.. Plitvice Lakes, Croatia